I want to start with: Mommy loves you! Even though I have never seen you, or even held you, I never stopped loving you! I think about you many times a day.
I want to tell you a few things before I let you know what has been going on. I am sorry that you never saw the light of day, or ever took a breath of air. I often feel that it was my fault, even though nothing could save you. Baby, I did not even know that you were alive until you died. Your Grandma won’t even tell me if you were a girl or a boy. Either way I will always love you! I sometimes think of all the “what if’s,” but I know it is too late to change things now. I know if you had lived I would not be able to feed you, cloth you or get you diapers. There was even a time that I was homeless…you would have been a newborn, out in the cold…I can barely care for myself, how would I ever care for someone as special as you?
I now want to tell you what is going on with your half brother. He was born in January of this year. I need you to fight for him. His mother is sick, and he has a bad heart. Doctors don’t know what to do. I am scared, and so is his mother! I may never be able to have any more childeren so this Damoen means alot to me. If the unthinkable dose happen I know you will be waiting for him on the other side, and be with him.
Someday your Mommy will be with you, and this time I will hold you, and kiss you and I will finally see you for the first time. Know that Mommy looks to the day she can be with her baby, and will try to be the best mother she can then. Until then I know you are in good hands with Netjer!
Reñee Ramirez died when I was 3 months pregnant with him. I did not even know that I was pregnant. I went to the hospital for cramping. That turned out to be labor. I spent the whole night in the hospital on the verge of life and death. My dearest love, and best friend sat beside me the whole time holding my hand. I was so week I could not even cry. The doctor told me that there was a rip torn in my uterus, and they don’t know if it will even heal right. Because of that the doctor does not know if I will ever be able to have children. If someday I can, I will never forget my oldest child, who has gone before me.