Jackie Black, mom

Praise to my mom, Wesir Jackie Black. May she ever be eternal.

With that out of the way, we miss you, mom. Things have changed a lot since you passed on. Dad did a few blunders, as usual, and now Blaze and I are the only ones in the house. I’ve tried to make the Texas Trash like you did, but my first attempt wasn’t the greatest. I can only do so much, and now I know how you felt when you asked for help and we didn’t take you seriously, because I got shoved into your role. Not that I ever wanted it. You were the lynchpin in a lot of the family’s things, either because it was given to you, or you made yourself to be it. I…don’t envy the neglect that happened. And you already know my feelings on the other end of the relationship. Still, all I have of your voice now is a facebook memory of you playing with Angie, who has come to you this year. You always said that she was my cat, but she took you and Blaze as her humans.

I’m sorry that we haven’t gotten your ashes scattered in Key Largo like you wanted. We were going to do it this year, but the pandemic had other plans. Honestly, I’m glad that you didn’t have to be around to see it, with how you were sick and all. We’ll get it done like you wanted, we just have to wait this pandemic out. Blaze is learning to grow his own responsibility, but still relies on me a lot. Aunt Sandra and Uncle Dick have stepped up to help financially with the house, but even I know that it won’t last. I just hope that I’m able to afford the transfer of the utilities to my name when the time comes for that. Sometimes I feel like I’ve signed a raw deal, especially when Aunt Sandra criticizes how clean the house is on a low energy day. I don’t think she understands and/or cares about my depression and how it affects me.

My therapist said that this would be a good idea, writing to you. My biggest regret over the path that you had taken is that you weren’t able to live your dream of owning and operating a successful restaurant, and instead had to live as was expected of women at the time. I have a story currently in the prewriting stage that is a grief piece that is a hope that in some other version of our reality, you got to live that dream. I won’t be able to get to it until my currently open pieces are finished, but I will get to it. As for the regret I have over your death, it was you not being able to see me walk across the stage for my BA in 2018 with your own eyes, and where I didn’t have to rely on spiritual senses to see you there. Blaze did bring your picture with him to the ceremony, like I’d asked, and I about lost it when we were coming in for the commencement. I think I could feel you there, and I know several of my friends came.

Dad has found a new girlfriend, and while she seems nice, I’m still cautious. He’s not been the best at choosing people to be around, but I do want him to be happy. Heck, I want all of us family to be happy, but I know that it’s not always possible at all times, so the best we can get within ma’at.

Love ya, and hope to get to watch a movie with you and the rest of my akhu sooner or later.